Its amazing how times flies - I can't believe it has been four months since I last wrote a blog. I am amazed that it is nearly the school summer holiday again and that my littlest girls turned three this month. Where does the time go?
Parenting is a funny thing. I think I have spent half of the last four and a half years feeling like I need a break - some space on my own to read a book, to drink a cup of tea before it goes cold, to watch some telly without interruption, to go to the toilet on my own, to just have some quiet... And the other half wishing the girls would fit in to my favourite dress a little bit longer, or still say words in a wrong but incredibly cute way.
In September Beth starts full time school and poppy and Bella will be at nursery five mornings a week. I'm dreading it!! Life still has its challenges but we are out of the baby phase and I no longer feel like I'm drowning (well not all the time anyway). People keep telling me I won't know what to do with myself - I'm sure I will find plenty of things - but in some ways I know what them mean. I have been consumed by my beautiful family for the last few years and i'm sure it will take a while to adjust to not having them around as much.
A good friend had a word over me recently - to see my family as other people see them - their beauty, their uniqueness, what a gift they are. It's a challenge sometimes to enjoy our kids when we are so emotionally involved in their well being and when, quite frankly, it is hard work. But I'm learning that times flies, and I won't get it back. So I will determine to enjoy my girls and delight in them as my heavenly Father delights in me (even when I'm a pain in the bum).
"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them." Psalm 127: 3-5
Monday 20 May 2013
Tuesday 8 January 2013
Singing when the evening comes
This afternoon we are headed to an appointment to find out if Bethy is going to need surgery on her hips this year. Beth was diagnosed with hip dysplasia when she was 3 months old and had treatment for it at 6 months. We thought the problems were fixed but at a routine check up in 2010 found out they weren't.
When we first found out about Beth's hips we didn't handle it very well. Looking at it rationally now, we know we are so incredibly blessed to have three healthy girls, but back then all we could really see was that are first baby was going to need surgery and it felt like the biggest thing in the world. We prayed and prayed and prayed for a miraculous healing from God, and I really felt like I had the faith for it, but God chose to take us on a different path and it was a big lesson in how to trust a God who doesn't always do what you think is the best thing. And now we find ourselves in a similar position - facing the unknown, praying for healing and asking that God would help us to know peace whatever the future holds.
Things I know about God are that He is mysterious, that He doesn't always allow us to understand our situations, and that He is good all the time. I recently found myself pondering how God could let His own son suffer on the cross- it bothered me. How could a supposedly loving God not prevent the death of his own child? But something clicked this week - the story of the cross isn't about God not loving his son enough, it's about God loving us infinitely more - humbling HIMSELF and giving of himself in the most sacrificial way possible to redeem us. This blew me away. It's not like I hadn't realised it before, but it hit me afresh.
One of my dear friends reminded me - do not harden your heart towards God, and on the same morning another friend preached a message at church about the ability to have instant closeness with our heavenly father when we trust in all that He is.
It doesn't always feel easy to trust in God completely, especially when we face hardship. But I am learning more and more that it feels like I can breathe more easily when I surrender my worry to God and draw near to Him, especially when the worry is about my precious children. When we lift our eyes, we let our heavenly Father show us how he loves.
My prayer today is that we know the presence of the Lord as we draw close and experience His tangible presence, and that we are still singing when the evening comes.
"A child is never so well but when he is in his mother's lap or under his father's wing. So with us in the presence of God and getting into the bosom of the heavenly Father. O, let us not forget our heavenly Father's house." Thomas Manton
When we first found out about Beth's hips we didn't handle it very well. Looking at it rationally now, we know we are so incredibly blessed to have three healthy girls, but back then all we could really see was that are first baby was going to need surgery and it felt like the biggest thing in the world. We prayed and prayed and prayed for a miraculous healing from God, and I really felt like I had the faith for it, but God chose to take us on a different path and it was a big lesson in how to trust a God who doesn't always do what you think is the best thing. And now we find ourselves in a similar position - facing the unknown, praying for healing and asking that God would help us to know peace whatever the future holds.
Things I know about God are that He is mysterious, that He doesn't always allow us to understand our situations, and that He is good all the time. I recently found myself pondering how God could let His own son suffer on the cross- it bothered me. How could a supposedly loving God not prevent the death of his own child? But something clicked this week - the story of the cross isn't about God not loving his son enough, it's about God loving us infinitely more - humbling HIMSELF and giving of himself in the most sacrificial way possible to redeem us. This blew me away. It's not like I hadn't realised it before, but it hit me afresh.
One of my dear friends reminded me - do not harden your heart towards God, and on the same morning another friend preached a message at church about the ability to have instant closeness with our heavenly father when we trust in all that He is.
It doesn't always feel easy to trust in God completely, especially when we face hardship. But I am learning more and more that it feels like I can breathe more easily when I surrender my worry to God and draw near to Him, especially when the worry is about my precious children. When we lift our eyes, we let our heavenly Father show us how he loves.
My prayer today is that we know the presence of the Lord as we draw close and experience His tangible presence, and that we are still singing when the evening comes.
"A child is never so well but when he is in his mother's lap or under his father's wing. So with us in the presence of God and getting into the bosom of the heavenly Father. O, let us not forget our heavenly Father's house." Thomas Manton
Wednesday 28 November 2012
Courage to Trust
I recently spoke at our church women's breakfast about courage to trust God when He asks something big of us.
I feel like one of God's biggest asks of me is to mother my three beautiful children who are all close in age. It's not a big ask because they are horrible kids! Its a big ask because I have to trust that God knows what's best for me even when I'm in the thick of it and I don't feel cut out for having twins.
Don't get me wrong - I love the girls more that anything and I know how completely blessed I am to have them, but sometimes I wonder whether I would be a better mum if I had had them one at a time!! I am learning that having courage to do what God calls us to is hard - especially if it wasn't what we planned!!
I love the verses in the bible which tell us God's plans are to prosper us. Most of the time I have no idea what God is trying to teach me through my kids - I imagine patience is high up there on the list and maybe multi-tasking. But I do know that when I am standing at the school gates, in the freezing cold, with two kids screaming at me to sit in the buggy (even though I asked them five times if they wanted to go in the buggy and they insisted they wanted to walk), God is there - and his purposes are good. I hope I always remain teachable.
The past couple of months has been a bit of a rough season for our family and I know there are more challenges ahead in the coming year. Lots of my friends are facing additional parenting challenges alongside the usual ones and it is not easy. But I do feel able to say that God is good - He proves that to me again and again through new mercies every day. I know that what Jesus did for me on the cross was costly and so I know that today, I can trust Him to ask big of me in the knowledge that He is in it with me.
And so I pray for the grace and humility to let God do as He wants with me and to use me for His glory.
I feel like one of God's biggest asks of me is to mother my three beautiful children who are all close in age. It's not a big ask because they are horrible kids! Its a big ask because I have to trust that God knows what's best for me even when I'm in the thick of it and I don't feel cut out for having twins.
Don't get me wrong - I love the girls more that anything and I know how completely blessed I am to have them, but sometimes I wonder whether I would be a better mum if I had had them one at a time!! I am learning that having courage to do what God calls us to is hard - especially if it wasn't what we planned!!
I love the verses in the bible which tell us God's plans are to prosper us. Most of the time I have no idea what God is trying to teach me through my kids - I imagine patience is high up there on the list and maybe multi-tasking. But I do know that when I am standing at the school gates, in the freezing cold, with two kids screaming at me to sit in the buggy (even though I asked them five times if they wanted to go in the buggy and they insisted they wanted to walk), God is there - and his purposes are good. I hope I always remain teachable.
The past couple of months has been a bit of a rough season for our family and I know there are more challenges ahead in the coming year. Lots of my friends are facing additional parenting challenges alongside the usual ones and it is not easy. But I do feel able to say that God is good - He proves that to me again and again through new mercies every day. I know that what Jesus did for me on the cross was costly and so I know that today, I can trust Him to ask big of me in the knowledge that He is in it with me.
And so I pray for the grace and humility to let God do as He wants with me and to use me for His glory.
Tuesday 28 August 2012
Growing Up
We are just coming towards the end of a great summer holiday together. My little girls are brown and even more blonde and have most definitely had growth spurts. I have been feeling more and more emotional about Beth starting school this September - okay so it's technically nursery, but as she has to wear a school uniform it feels like quite a big deal!! I cannot believe she is as old as she is and in many ways feel like the time has just passed me by.
It is an odd thing when you can no longer get away with babying you're oldest child and often hear the pharse, "but I'm a big girl mummy." In some ways it is painful to let you're children grow up - you want to cling on to them completely needing you for a little bit longer! One of my biggest prayers is that Bethy and I will always be the best of friends - even when she can read and write, even when she does her first school concert, even when she becomes a teenager and when she eventually leaves home. But my biggest prayer is that she is full of the holy spirit and grows up with the knowledge that she is loved by the King of the Universe.
It is so easy to spend time worrying about your kids - will they fit in? Will they learn well? Will they be happy? I am so glad that I can entrust Bethy, Poppy and Bella to a Father who knows them inside out and who wants to prosper them. It also helps to know that even though I am now 28 - I still sometimes only want my mum!
When Beth is grown and has babies of her own, I hope she grasps how much I love her!
It is an odd thing when you can no longer get away with babying you're oldest child and often hear the pharse, "but I'm a big girl mummy." In some ways it is painful to let you're children grow up - you want to cling on to them completely needing you for a little bit longer! One of my biggest prayers is that Bethy and I will always be the best of friends - even when she can read and write, even when she does her first school concert, even when she becomes a teenager and when she eventually leaves home. But my biggest prayer is that she is full of the holy spirit and grows up with the knowledge that she is loved by the King of the Universe.
It is so easy to spend time worrying about your kids - will they fit in? Will they learn well? Will they be happy? I am so glad that I can entrust Bethy, Poppy and Bella to a Father who knows them inside out and who wants to prosper them. It also helps to know that even though I am now 28 - I still sometimes only want my mum!
When Beth is grown and has babies of her own, I hope she grasps how much I love her!
Monday 25 June 2012
Standards of Perfection
Before I became a mum I had a lot of ideals about the way I was going to parent. I was determined that none of my children were going to be given a dummy no matter how much they cried - all of my children had a dummy at some point during their first year. I was sure that we would never use pudding as a bribe for eating tea - I think we use this bribe on at least one of our kids every day. And I was positive that my children would be well behaved and not tantrum throwers - mmmmm.
Since having children I have realised that a lot of parenting is about surviving every day as it comes and trying to enjoy my kids in the process. It isn't easy, but it is a blessing and we are doing the best we can to teach them and train them and to help them learn about the Father's heart.
I recently had a conversation with one of Beth's playgroup workers where I casually asked how she was doing. Their answer was that Beth was fine but that there had been one incident where Beth had told another girl she couldn't play with her. I felt so disappointed, this not normally being what Bethy is like, but she had also been giving me attitude at home so in some ways it didn't surprise me. I was really challenged by God on the way home not to put standards of perfection on my children - after all they are still sinners and no amount of training and teaching by me will change that fact. It was freeing to know that Beth's behaviour isn't wholly my responsibility and I felt God was prompting me to pray for the holy spirit to work in Beth's heart - this will be much more effective!!
I think we expect so much of our kids and fret about their behaviour and how it makes us look as parents. Our greatest concern should be what is in their heart. Do they know they are loved by the King of the universe? And not just loved, but bought at the most costly price. As this truth seeps into their hearts their behaviour will right itself. And so this is what I pray for.
Since having children I have realised that a lot of parenting is about surviving every day as it comes and trying to enjoy my kids in the process. It isn't easy, but it is a blessing and we are doing the best we can to teach them and train them and to help them learn about the Father's heart.
I recently had a conversation with one of Beth's playgroup workers where I casually asked how she was doing. Their answer was that Beth was fine but that there had been one incident where Beth had told another girl she couldn't play with her. I felt so disappointed, this not normally being what Bethy is like, but she had also been giving me attitude at home so in some ways it didn't surprise me. I was really challenged by God on the way home not to put standards of perfection on my children - after all they are still sinners and no amount of training and teaching by me will change that fact. It was freeing to know that Beth's behaviour isn't wholly my responsibility and I felt God was prompting me to pray for the holy spirit to work in Beth's heart - this will be much more effective!!
I think we expect so much of our kids and fret about their behaviour and how it makes us look as parents. Our greatest concern should be what is in their heart. Do they know they are loved by the King of the universe? And not just loved, but bought at the most costly price. As this truth seeps into their hearts their behaviour will right itself. And so this is what I pray for.
Saturday 19 May 2012
A High Calling
Did you ever have one of those moments where someone asks you what you do, and when you tell them you're a mum you can literally see them switch off?! I don't think people mean to do it - I guess it doesn't help that we live in a society which doesn't seem to put much value on staying at home to raise your kids. This feeling is not always helped by the fact that being at home with the kids all day often makes you feel that you're defined by your children! So many of my mum friends have said things about losing a sense of their identity when they become stay - at - home mums.
I think there is a time when your maternity leave finishes, and you realise that you are in this for the long haul, that feels quite scary. I have often found myself explaining to people why I stay at home with the girls as though it is something to apologise for - which is the most crazy thing!! I felt called by God to be at home with our kids in the day and it really helps to know that it is a high calling and that I can do it for God's glory. I guess that rather than losing our identity we take on a new one, and other passions go on the back burner for a while. This sometimes gets me frustrated - to be passionate about so many things but not doing anything about them because frankly I don't have the energy!! But actually I have to remind myself that this is a season - a season for raising my children, helping to provide for them and trying to do it well.
A friend of mine (also a mum) wrote me a card before I had the twins. It said this, "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to stay healthy. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to clean the house, give a dinner party and mend the door handle. Take care of the stones first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
I am learning that on those days where I feel I'm 'just a mum', I need to thank God that he has called me to such an important job, and ask for the wisdom to prioritise and to do it well.
I think there is a time when your maternity leave finishes, and you realise that you are in this for the long haul, that feels quite scary. I have often found myself explaining to people why I stay at home with the girls as though it is something to apologise for - which is the most crazy thing!! I felt called by God to be at home with our kids in the day and it really helps to know that it is a high calling and that I can do it for God's glory. I guess that rather than losing our identity we take on a new one, and other passions go on the back burner for a while. This sometimes gets me frustrated - to be passionate about so many things but not doing anything about them because frankly I don't have the energy!! But actually I have to remind myself that this is a season - a season for raising my children, helping to provide for them and trying to do it well.
A friend of mine (also a mum) wrote me a card before I had the twins. It said this, "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to stay healthy. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to clean the house, give a dinner party and mend the door handle. Take care of the stones first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
I am learning that on those days where I feel I'm 'just a mum', I need to thank God that he has called me to such an important job, and ask for the wisdom to prioritise and to do it well.
Monday 16 April 2012
Perfection
I never really wanted to be anything other than a mum. But I always imagined myself being a really good mum!! The sort that you read about in books and watch in movies. The kind who are devoted and full of energy - who are always doing some sort of 'fun activity' with their children. And then I sat in church and watched amazing women mother. Godly, busy, tireless women who mothered well child after child! And then I read in Proverbs 31 about the woman who fears the Lord, who, "looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed." It feels like a lot to live up to - are there really mums out there who are like this all the time?
Today I sat on my bed and sobbed because I do not feel like one of those women. Today I feel like a rubbish mum - a tired mum. My kids are ill AGAIN and I feel like I have not had a minute of quiet. There have been squables over toys - why is it that siblings always want the same thing? tantrums in the car, disobedience at the doctors - the kind where everyone stares at you - and dinner refusal. I would say I was probably fairly justified in feeling completely frustrated and fed up after a day like that, but really l just felt like I wasn't doing well- that I was mothering badly.
Mums beat themselves up a lot. We rarely feel that we are doing well. It is because we love our kids with a rawness that cannot be put in to words and we know we only get one shot at doing it right. If our desire is to become more Godly in our mothering, feeling like we're not doing well is not always a bad thing. It brings us to a place of dependence on God and it reminds us that we are in need of Him - "the grace of our Lord overflowed for me." (1 Timothy). Thank you God. But, we must cry out of repentance and not out of a false illusion that perfect mothering is something that can ever be achieved! The truth is that we are sinners and no one gets it right all of the time. One of the biggest lessons God is teaching me, is to be quick to apologise to my kids, and pray that my heart makes up for my outward failings.
I love that my anchor in life is one who does not fail, who is perfect all of the time and who is capable of not only parenting me but parenting my children better than anyone else.
Today I sat on my bed and sobbed because I do not feel like one of those women. Today I feel like a rubbish mum - a tired mum. My kids are ill AGAIN and I feel like I have not had a minute of quiet. There have been squables over toys - why is it that siblings always want the same thing? tantrums in the car, disobedience at the doctors - the kind where everyone stares at you - and dinner refusal. I would say I was probably fairly justified in feeling completely frustrated and fed up after a day like that, but really l just felt like I wasn't doing well- that I was mothering badly.
Mums beat themselves up a lot. We rarely feel that we are doing well. It is because we love our kids with a rawness that cannot be put in to words and we know we only get one shot at doing it right. If our desire is to become more Godly in our mothering, feeling like we're not doing well is not always a bad thing. It brings us to a place of dependence on God and it reminds us that we are in need of Him - "the grace of our Lord overflowed for me." (1 Timothy). Thank you God. But, we must cry out of repentance and not out of a false illusion that perfect mothering is something that can ever be achieved! The truth is that we are sinners and no one gets it right all of the time. One of the biggest lessons God is teaching me, is to be quick to apologise to my kids, and pray that my heart makes up for my outward failings.
I love that my anchor in life is one who does not fail, who is perfect all of the time and who is capable of not only parenting me but parenting my children better than anyone else.
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