I never really wanted to be anything other than a mum. But I always imagined myself being a really good mum!! The sort that you read about in books and watch in movies. The kind who are devoted and full of energy - who are always doing some sort of 'fun activity' with their children. And then I sat in church and watched amazing women mother. Godly, busy, tireless women who mothered well child after child! And then I read in Proverbs 31 about the woman who fears the Lord, who, "looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed." It feels like a lot to live up to - are there really mums out there who are like this all the time?
Today I sat on my bed and sobbed because I do not feel like one of those women. Today I feel like a rubbish mum - a tired mum. My kids are ill AGAIN and I feel like I have not had a minute of quiet. There have been squables over toys - why is it that siblings always want the same thing? tantrums in the car, disobedience at the doctors - the kind where everyone stares at you - and dinner refusal. I would say I was probably fairly justified in feeling completely frustrated and fed up after a day like that, but really l just felt like I wasn't doing well- that I was mothering badly.
Mums beat themselves up a lot. We rarely feel that we are doing well. It is because we love our kids with a rawness that cannot be put in to words and we know we only get one shot at doing it right. If our desire is to become more Godly in our mothering, feeling like we're not doing well is not always a bad thing. It brings us to a place of dependence on God and it reminds us that we are in need of Him - "the grace of our Lord overflowed for me." (1 Timothy). Thank you God. But, we must cry out of repentance and not out of a false illusion that perfect mothering is something that can ever be achieved! The truth is that we are sinners and no one gets it right all of the time. One of the biggest lessons God is teaching me, is to be quick to apologise to my kids, and pray that my heart makes up for my outward failings.
I love that my anchor in life is one who does not fail, who is perfect all of the time and who is capable of not only parenting me but parenting my children better than anyone else.
Bless you Lou for sharing so honestly. I love your blog. I am praying for you...the early years of having a few kids close in age is certainly the toughest....I remember having days just like yours! In fact the first winter we lived in Bosnia, when I had 2 little ones and was pregnant with our 3rd, Lawrence used to come home most days to find me crying. My Mum has just started blogging and her first posts have really spoken to me this week...you might want to take a look....I think they will be a blessing to you too: http://familymatterscbq.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeletemuch love Jo xx
Hi Lou - I am Jo's mum!! I just came to write a comment and see she has got here first. I saw the link to your blog on hers!! I have read down several of your posts. Wow, 3 kids under 2!! You have all my admiration. When my 3rd was born, Jo was just turning 4! But what I actually was going to say is a comment I heard at the weekend that God does not demand perfection, as that comes from pride, but excellence comes from the Spirit of God. From what I read, you are a mother of excellence! Tired and weary maybe - but dependent on HIM!Bless you! Yes, do read my blogs also WHEN you have a minute.
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