Perfection

I never really wanted to be anything other than a mum. But I always imagined myself being a really good mum!! The sort that you read about in books and watch in movies. The kind who are devoted and full of energy - who are always doing some sort of 'fun activity' with their children. And then I sat in church and watched amazing women mother. Godly, busy, tireless women who mothered well child after child! And then I read in Proverbs 31 about the woman who fears the Lord, who, "looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed." It feels like a lot to live up to - are there really mums out there who are like this all the time?


Today I sat on my bed and sobbed because I do not feel like one of those women. Today I feel like a rubbish mum - a tired mum. My kids are ill AGAIN and I feel like I have not had a minute of quiet. There have been squables over toys - why is it that siblings always want the same thing? tantrums in the car, disobedience at the doctors - the kind where everyone stares at you - and dinner refusal. I would say I was probably fairly justified in feeling completely frustrated and fed up after a day like that, but really l just felt like I wasn't doing well- that I was mothering badly.


Mums beat themselves up a lot. We rarely feel that we are doing well. It is because we love our kids with a rawness that cannot be put in to words and we know we only get one shot at doing it right. If our desire is to become more Godly in our mothering, feeling like we're not doing well is not always a bad thing. It brings us to a place of dependence on God and it reminds us that we are in need of Him - "the grace of our Lord overflowed for me." (1 Timothy). Thank you God. But, we must cry out of repentance and not out of a false illusion that perfect mothering is something that can ever be achieved! The truth is that we are sinners and no one gets it right all of the time. One of the biggest lessons God is teaching me, is to be quick to apologise to my kids, and pray that my heart makes up for my outward failings.


I love that my anchor in life is one who does not fail, who is perfect all of the time and who is capable of not only parenting me but parenting my children better than anyone else. 

Psalm 34

God has spoken to me from Psalm 34 this week. Sometimes the only thing that will do is God's word... 

I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
² My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
    let the humble hear and be glad.
³ Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
    and let us exalt his name together!

⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me
    and delivered me from all my fears.
⁵ Those who look to him are radiant,
    and their faces shall never be ashamed.
⁶ This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
    and saved him out of all his troubles.
⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps
    around those who fear him, and delivers them.

⁸ Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
     Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
⁹ Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
    for those who fear him have no lack!
¹⁰ The young lions suffer want and hunger;
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

¹¹ Come, O children, listen to me;
     I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
¹² What man is there who desires life
    and loves many days, that he may see good?
¹³ Keep your tongue from evil
    and your lips from speaking deceit.
¹⁴ Turn away from evil and do good;
    seek peace and pursue it.

¹⁵ The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
     and his ears toward their cry.
¹⁶ The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
    to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
¹⁷ When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
    and delivers them out of all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit.

¹⁹ Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
     but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
²⁰ He keeps all his bones;
     not one of them is broken.
²¹ Affliction will slay the wicked,
    and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
²² The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
    none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.

Always Teachable.

Sat here now I am listening to one baby crying in bed and post battle with my eldest to get her in to bed. Once the girls settled in to a routine (which took forever with the twins) we didn't experience them refusing to go to sleep at bed time. It never ceases to amaze me that when you think you've got something cracked it all suddenly goes pear shaped again. And we have tried EVERYTHING!! - Don't go in, do go in, settle them with a cuddle, let her cry it out, calpol, water, food before bed time, slow bedtime, quick bedtime, story, no story - it goes on and on.


My husband and I ask each other again and again - what shall we do? And three and a half years on from our first baby we still feel like we don't know what on earth we're doing half the time. Parenting seems to be one of those 'never stop learning' things. It is so easy to get arrogant - 'my child sleeps through the night', 'my child eats anything', 'my child always does what he is told'... the truth is that nobody has a perfect child and even if they're behaving perfectly right now, chances are next week it will have all gone out the window. 


It feels as though half the time it is a competition to see who is more stubborn - the girls or me. And after tiring days and disturbed nights it feels easier sometimes to give in. I have so much admiration for parents who are on their own or whose partners work away. My husband is working late tonight and it is a lot harder to be stubborn alone even when I know that going to bed on time will serve my kids best for tomorrow.


I am glad that even when I feel alone I am not alone and that God gives me the perseverance to continue trying to parent my kids well! And I am glad that God is stubborn with me - that He stubbornly loves me and watches over me and trains me for His purposes. I am praying that all these experiences with my children will set me in good stead for what God has in store for me in the years to come. I hope I am always teachable. 

Grace in Abundance

My friend Lucy has four kids and is a hero of mine. She has passed on a lot of wise advice to me in the past ten years but the bit I always come back to is this - Keep asking God for grace to parent. 


The older my girls get the more I am aware of my own frailty and inability to meet God's standards when parenting. The amazing thing, is that God has grace for me in abundance. When I lose it with the kids for the tenth time in the day and find myself feeling guilty for not getting it right - for not speaking to the girls more kindly, for not having more patience, for feeling too tired to get one more drink or snack or deal with one more scrap - I thank God that his love and grace for me is not earned! And that although I don't deserve it He still gives it to me again and again and again.


And knowing God has so much grace for me, and that he loves me and is not careless with me reminds me that He has given me my beautiful girls (as crazy as they can be) and called me to motherhood purposefully - And it makes me want to parent better. 


It doesn't change the fact that parenting is hard - that life can be hard. When we're up half the night with kids teething, or cleaning up sick for the tenth time, feeling unappreciated or just generally feeling overwhelmed with life and work, sometimes the best solution appears to be giving up - or at least walking out the door for a breather. But God loves to get us on our knees and cause us to be completely dependent on Him again - to remind us that we need his grace and that it is sufficient for us. Getting before God can so often be the last resort for me when it comes to dealing with my kids - which is crazy!! It is the only thing that really works!! Thank you God that I don't have to parent alone. Thank you God for your gracious heart for me.

No Days Off

One of the hardest things about being a mum is that there are no days off. Gone are the days of lying in at weekends, relaxing holidays or sick days in bed. Kids just don't get it when you're exhausted or feeling rough - they still need what they need. 


We are blessed that Justin is a teacher and gets a lot of holiday but after a few holidays with kids we had to adjust our expectations - holidays were no longer relaxing. Okay so there are two of us to carry the load, do the dishes, make the dinner etc. but not a lot of quiet time. We had to start planning activities to entertain our children.


Its funny that when I was a student I thought life was busy (bearing in mind I did a drama degree this was not really the case), and then when I got married we thought we were super busy!!  Little were we to know what life would be like with kids - it is relentless and we wouldn't change having them for the world, but I sometimes have those days when the alarm goes off and I think - I just can't do it today. 


To tired mums and dads - and those who often ponder if they're doing this parenting job well enough - and wonder how they will do it another day, I quote from Elisabeth Elliot's book Passion and Purity the same words I sent to my tired husband this morning;


"Anyone can carry his burden, however heavy, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all that life really means." (Robert Louis Stevenson). " Take therefore no thought for the morrow... Give us this day our daily bread. As thy days, so shall thy strength be."

Out and About

On Saturday we decided to take our eldest daughter Beth on a special mummy / daddy date. We asked friends to look after our other girls and caught the train to windsor to see the castle and to have tea and cake. This, we thought would be a fun treat for all of us without the worry of two 1 year olds getting cross about being in the buggy  or alternatively running away!! Little were we to know that number one, it would pour with rain and number two that Beth would be in 'one of those moods'. So we battled all afternoon with Beth running into crowds, jumping into rather large puddles (thank you Peppa Pig), and walking straight into people as she merrily went along looking behind her. 


By the time we arrived home we were exhausted!! Okay - so we did have some fun, large pieces of cake and hot tea featuring as the biggest attraction - but it did get me thinking - was it worth it?!!


I have kids who can only cope so long with being at home and who need to get out of the house, but that has always been a big challenge for me. Even with one child it used to take ten minutes at least to get out of the house, longer when with shoes and coat on and key about to lock the door you hear an almighty poo being done!! Good times!! - And then I was faced with the challenge of getting a still fairly wobbly 17 month old, and two screaming babies in car seats down a flight of stairs, and into the car - with neighbours unaware of how much space you need to leave either side in order to open the door wide enough to get a car seat in! Looking back this accounts for why I didn't leave the house a lot for about 6 months. 


My best friend has a new baby and is currently battling with a 20 month old who won't have her hand held - this is now a much bigger deal since there is another little one in the equation and scooping the eldest up out of danger isn't so easy!! Even going out to feed the ducks seems like a huge challenge when it is no longer one on one. I so often compare our family to others and feel guilty for not doing or going out as much, and often have to be reminded that we are different because we have three little ones so close in age. And I have to be careful not to wish this time away, willing them to be old enough to......  The truth I'm learning is that it is tempting to think that things will get easier - and in practical ways they do - going out must get quicker when your kids can put their own coats on!! But really parenting doesn't get easier, it just comes with different challenges! And so we must be determined not to wish our time away - and on the difficult and trying days, to only focus on the joyous parts!! And, when your child is having a huge tantrum in the middle of the supermarket, remember that most of the people staring at you are doing so in sympathy and not in judgment because they have been their too!!

The Naughty Step

My eldest daughter Beth turned three in December. A couple of days ago we had a conversation that went like this:
Beth: Mummy, my baby's on the naughty step.
Me: Oh dear Bethy.
Beth: Yes mummy, cause she disobeyed me. She's been crying for 2 hours ever since she woke up.
Me: Oh no - maybe you should get her now.
Bet: Okay (Goes to discipline her baby in hushed tones).


I'm pretty sure I've never put Beth on the naughty step for more than 2 minutes but I suppose three year olds don't really get the concept of time!! The great thing about Beth is she loves to mother, she loves to mother her little sisters and she also loves to mother me. I suppose I am a 'wear your heart on your sleeve' kind of person but I also have a pretty perceptive daughter and as much as she can wind me up, she always knows when I've had enough and the challenges I'm facing are actually making me sad. And that is when she puts her hand on my face, strokes my hair and asks me, "Mummy, what's worrying you?" And I suppose that is when I remember that actually, its my chance to step up and get into mothering mode again. So I tell her, "Mummy's okay, she's just feeling a bit sad today but I love you very much Bethy." So she gives me a cuddle and goes on her merry way!! 


Sometimes its difficult to get the balance between being honest with your little ones about how you're feeling and remembering that its your job to protect them and make them feel secure. I never want my kids to worry, but I also believe we sometimes need to be real with them and teach them how we pray and ask God to help us in the rough times. And it's Beth's prayers that often fill me with the most faith and encourage me to keep mothering whole heartedly. The amazing thing is that she reminds me I was made to mother because it comes so naturally to her. And then the job seems a little easier!